It’s Sam’s tenth birthday! It was a spectacular one…about which, more, with photos, anon.
It’s also Rory’s “family day,” and that’s what I want to talk about.
For “family day,” we did nothing.
Not that Sam would mind. He wouldn’t, not at all. But I am not, and never have been, sure how to mark the day when Rory both lost and gained her family. I did say something–to her, and to everyone, about it (just to point it out, really), but that’s it.
But there were other signs that it was on minds. I said something to Lily today about her “finding it hard to share and being stuck with a family that shares a lot,” and Rory piped up: “And then you add me your family!” I assured her that it was her family too, and she agreed. At some other point she mentioned me coming to China to get her, too.
And Lily–Lily demanded, at some point today when Rory didn’t come get in a picture quickly, that it be “just the original Seelig family!”
I don’t think Rory heard her. Usually I would jump down her throat for something like that, but… I didn’t want to make a big deal.
I think Lily still holds mixed feeling about “family day,” too…Rory hides hers, but I know they’re there. I think I need to do something more to acknowledge the whole thing (maybe and move it to the day we arrived home, to get it away from Sam’s birthday). Work in Progress…
We call ours “Together Day,” and we usually take the boys out to dinner. We use that opportunity to also talk about their first family and the loss side, as well as how glad we are that they’re our kids, too. The boys look forward to it (because it’s celebrating THEM, and who doesn’t want to be celebrated).
But like you said, it’s a work in progress. We’ll change our approach in the future if what’s working now doesn’t work later. It’s all about keeping a pulse on how they’re feeling.
And also on how the siblings are feeling, so you can work through jealousy or whatever that is they’re feeling, too.
Good food for thought!
I think having a Family Anniversary Day is good, and it can be any day. Do you have a month with no birthdays or anniversaries? Or maybe just breakfast on the adoption/birthday could be hers and the rest of the day for Sam.
My daughter has been away at camp/tournaments for about half of her adoption days. We’re fine with it.
And you might remind Lily that there was a time she wasn’t part of the ‘original’ family either!
Nancy