The River of Bile

Thinking the reference to bile is figurative, and I intend, perhaps, to rant in some negative way about some subject dear to my heart? Sadly, sadly, you are wrong.

The bile is literal. Bile, vomit, barf, chunks, throw-up…I’ve been down with then all for the past 20 hours or so, giving me four hours to go on a supposed 24-hour bug (what, and then I can go out for burgers?)

Lifting my head up from my night of convening with the porcelein goddess, I discovered that I had some questions. Why, for example, does it come out your nose? What exactly is the link between vomit and diarrhea? Is it theoretically possible to persuade the the partially digested food to depart one’s body out one orifice, rather than the other? If, afflicted with diarrhea, you put a finger down your throat, would that fix the problem? Conversely, would a suppository of some sort have helped me eject my dinner, lunch and a day’s worth of snacks in a marginally more pleasant way? (By the way, let me just put in a plug here for sushi as perhaps one of the least advisable pre-ralph-o-rama meals.)

What better place to seek out the skinny on puke than the Internet? Surely there must be some website devoted to Everything You’ve Always Wanted to Know About Barfing But Were Afraid to Ask. House o’ Hurl, perhaps?

Turns out there’s really very little out there on the subject. I did learn that vomiting “ejects the intruders” from the stomach, diarrhea from the intestines–so I suppose my theories for speeding up the progress through artificial encouragement of either aren’t going to help at all. I also found that if you read the word vomit many times, it loses all meaning and begins to look completely wrong, like it’s not the word you meant at all.

I still don’t know why it comes out your nose. I do know this: I don’t like it. I can only hope I’m done (and that neither Sam nor Lily is next…).

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