I Think I Will Just Rename the Website ENVY

I belong to The Well and mostly frequent a really good freelancer group there, where I am middling to low on a totem pole that includes regular writers for Vogue, Wired and Salon but also people who don’t really see their byline in the national pubs very often, if at all. I love being a part of it.

Today, I read an announcement that a fellow byliner just sold her first novel in a “major deal”. I was over the moon for her, honestly. It’s so cool to see a first novel sell, and it gives me such hope.

Here’s the thing–I thought she was one person. A person much higher, again, on that totem pole than me, with a memoir published–but also older, with older kids, more life experience, etcetera. Someone I could sort of aspire to, only without the disease that led to the memoir.

But I googled her, and found that she was in fact WAY up on that totem pole, vastly more glamorous than I will ever be, beautiful, fabulous, a bit of a boldfaced name. No kids.

And I had this huge, huge moment of something for which, once again, there must be an ugly german word. Envy, yes. But it’s just–I can’t get there from here. I can never get there from here. And the little writing boost I’d had–the keep going, it’s possible, keep going–shot straight out the window.

I know, don’t give up hope, yadda. Got it. I can still get SOMEWHERE. I just can’t get THERE. And there, in this house full of sobbing children that I must go and tend and take to a Chinese restaurant right now, looks kind of good.

Don’t punish me for that, fate.

708 Responses to “I Think I Will Just Rename the Website ENVY”

  1. JK says:


    What you’re doing is amazing, and even if you’re not there yet, you will get there someday. I know you. You will. I’m annoying… I know. Sorry.

    I’m sorry the evil person on the well got the deal and you didn’t. If I could, I would give you the novel deal, but we all know that I don’t actually have connections in the novel-deal world. Sigh.

    Hope the Chinese Food was good.

  2. Ninotchka says:

    Fate won’t punish you. And I echo, JK, you’ll get there someday. Just taking a different route is all. Lined with sobbing children, runny noses and poop! It’s not the most glamorous route, but a route nonetheless. (I’m so there with you)

  3. JK says:

    It’s funny, but I think that the extra time on the route as Nino suggests will make you 1) a better person and 2) a better writer.

  4. chelle says:

    awww envy is so normal! What would we strive for if there was nothing above us?

    I have read your book on books and girl you are going to be GREAT when the time is right for YOU. I told you before I still refer to it! I am waiting for my friends to get pregnant so I can get them that book!

    Hang in there, being patient is so hard. I have put a lot of my own dreams on hold to help my husband achieve his and it is hard, but so worth it 🙂

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