I Should Be Happy. Should I Be Happy?

One of the perils of visiting my folks is that the radio station they favor plays a lot of Carpenters. That has obvious issues, of course, but one of the biggest is that even the very happiest Carpenter song, what with the whole sad story of Karen Carpenter, the nostalgia factor, my lost youth–makes me feel sad. And since it’s not a specific kind of sadness, I just apply it to whatever I’ve got going on that I could possibly be sad about.

And right now I am sad about Rebecca.

When I think about what lies ahead for her, I grieve for her. I can’t believe I’m going to be part of it. I look at Wyatt, and I imagine someone telling him that something wonderful is going to happen to him–that he should be happy, that he should be excited. I imagine them using word he doesn’t fully understand, and I imagine him trusting the person, and feeling that excitement.

And then I imagine him being taken away.

It’s hard to even write that without crying. In fact, I have to turn it around now–to apply it to Rebecca, to say yes, but she’s always been told this would happen, she can’t feel about her foster family the way Wyatt feels about us, that because she’s being prepared, that because in the end it’s “for the best”, it somehow isn’t the same thing.

But I suspect that it is. And even knowing the obvious–that she cannot stay with her foster family, that her future will be better here, that she will grow to love us–I am not happy. I want her. I am thrilled to have her, along with nervous and all the rest–but I cannot truly want this for her. What I want for her, she can’t have.

Wyatt wants a cookie. Rebecca is sleeping right now. I know she loves cookies, too.

3 Responses to “I Should Be Happy. Should I Be Happy?”

  1. JK says:

    wowza. I think you win on the complicated stuff. My head hurts thinking about this. Maybe this is one of those things that you best not think about. If you weren’t adopting Rebecca, someone else would be and yes, what would be ideal can’t happen. It’s true of many things in life.

    There’s a lot I want to say, but I don’t think I can be truly comforting in a comment.

    xo to you. Lay off the carpenters too.

  2. shirlee says:

    I think about this more and more as we get closer to travel. Up until last week, Q didn’t know that she had a forever family. I wanted desperately to be there when she was told, to offer what little comfort I could. I wanted so badly to take her in my arms and say, “You don’t have to love your foster family less to love us. You don’t have to forget your old life to embrace your new one.” I wanted to tell her, but even if I could have, I know she wouldn’t have understood.

    It is so painful to imagine what they are going through, but it is better that we grieve for our daughters than that we pretend the life they had before did not exist.

  3. Lisen says:

    Ditto, KJ! You put my feelings into words for me. Thanks. Funny how close in age and timing-coming-home Ali and Rebecca are/will be.

    I love the name options, BTW.