Today was an easy day with nicely set apart activities, little rushing–it should have been so easy. But I decided I needed to do something on the computer during the hour in between one thing and another (order a new bike helmet) and then it took longer than I expected, and then, oh, then, Wyatt took my whatever! Rory wont let me have my turn! Lily not hellpin’ me! In other words, from all three, loud and clear: pay attention to me! Pat attention to me! And I didn’t, I just didn’t. There’re was no special reason, I wasn’t
overwhelmed, it has not been a rough day or a rough week. I just didn’t wanna, I guess. I keep wondering– my parents were wonderful parents. I love them like crazy and mostly always have (I was a teenager, you know). How mush time did my mom spend with me on the small things of every day? The truth is, I don’t necessarily remember. I remember times we did things. I remember times we did not do things that I wanted to do. But I don’t remember it as all one way or another, and I would imagine it takes something pretty extreme to make a person take their upbringing that way.
In particular, I wasn’t coming through for Rory today (it is so often that way; she’s just that much more needy) and I wondered, is it more ok to leave Wy and Lily to their own devices than Rory, who sometimes seems so mystified by it? Obviously I have more capital wihh Wy and Lily, but how much more? Where is the line between a good and loving mother and a brisk and dismissive one, and is it different for each kid?
I don’t know.