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In Which I have a Very Weird Day

Since no one can talk to Torry Hansen, currently in the running for worst parent ever, and I’m the author of I Did Not Love My Adopted Child  (please note that a) I did not write the title and b) past tense! Past tense! I wanted to call it Adoption sucks. But that’s no reason not to do it.), a bunch of people wanted to talk to me, which is how I ended up on CNN tonight. Mostly it was in the context of “here’s someone who understands adopting an older child” and it was good. I talked a lot about how I wish every adoptive parent would talk more about how difficult those first months home can be, and how some of us–many of us–don’t fall immediately in love with our child. I said that if that were more generally understood–if every one regarded adoption as a process–it would be harder for Russia to over react, suspend U.S. adoptions and damn hundred or thousands of kids to more months in an institution–which could just make things worse. Generally speaking, I felt good.

But at least one host REALLY wanted me to say why, yes! I wanted to put Rory on an airplane! Abso-friggin-lutely! And no, sorry, I’m not that. I had a tough adjustment. She had the tough adjustment she was 100% entitled to. And honestly, I never thought anything of the sort. A magic redo button? I might have gone for that–but then I would have wanted to redo THAT. Once I was in, I was in. It was just HARD. So no, crazy host, I said I understood what it felt like to be that far out at the end of your rope. I said I wished we’d all talk more about those days. (And I think we do, more every day–but we have to talk about it SO MUCH that prospective and future parents listen–and when you’re all wrapped up in waiting and hoping, that’s not easy.)

I do love her now.


12 Responses to “In Which I have a Very Weird Day”

  1. Lisen says:

    So where’s the link to you on CNN?!?! How cool is that?! SOunds like you said exactly what needed to be said. And hello! You did not want to put Rory on a plane back to China b/c you are a normal, sane mother not a totally-out-of-touch with reality one like Torry Ann Smith. Those of us with brains in our heads who have been even further out at the end of our ropes than you have been, would know enough to find a better situation for the child and go through the proper channels, ie, not the airport.

    I want to see/hear you on CNN.

  2. Elizabeth says:

    First let me say, I like YOUR title to the article much better!! I’m glad you were able to give a viewpoint that so many of us have lived, and that you DIDN’T cave when the crazy host tried to push you in a certain direction. I too, would love to see the interview!!

  3. Cindy says:

    I would love to see the CNN interview too! Great article! The comments afterward were interesting. I really think its important for people to know that adoption “can” be really difficult. If people were more realistically prepared and if it weren’t such a taboo topic, I think there would be fewer unhappy endings. Or at the very least people would get to their happy endings faster or in a healthier fashion. Parents should not be made to feel like failures if things aren’t going smoothly. That doesn’t help anyone… especially the child. Maybe if there was more truth and more open dialogue and support from the moment people met there child, then there would be fewer tragedies like this one.

  4. JK says:

    Cool on CNN! Link to you if you can.

  5. Long Lost Friend says:

    I am so sad that I missed you on CNN. Which show? I’ll have to get a copy of the video from the CNN library…. Wow–you were on CNN and Sue Moss was on Nancy Grace in the same night!

  6. Julia says:

    YEAH!! Post the CNN link!! From now on, you are REQUIRED to let us know when you are on CNN. BTW: loved the Slate article.

  7. Rick says:

    I would love to see the CNN interview too! Great article! The comments afterward were interesting. I really think its important for people to know that adoption “can” be really difficult. If people were more realistically prepared and if it weren’t such a taboo topic, I think there would be fewer unhappy endings. Or at the very least people would get to their happy endings faster or in a healthier fashion. Parents should not be made to feel like failures if things aren’t going smoothly. That doesn’t help anyone… especially the child. Maybe if there was more truth and more open dialogue and support from the moment people met there child, then there would be fewer tragedies like this one.

  8. Adam says:

    I am so sad that I missed you on CNN. Which show? I’ll have to get a copy of the video from the CNN library…. Wow–you were on CNN and Sue Moss was on Nancy Grace in the same night!

  9. Paula says:

    I agree that it’s important to talk about the hard parts of adoption and not just the roses and rainbows and I feel agencies should try to do more to prepare parents for just how tough the adjustment may be. But, when you were in the throes of that tough adjustment, did you think “hey, I think I’ll start another adoption even though my agency thinks I should allow my child a year to be the new kid and adjust to a new family?” That is what I really don’t understand about Torry Hansen and why I think she’s a little more messed up than just an average parent having a seriously difficult adjustment. She’s having serious difficulty with one child and she wants to throw another child into the mix. That would definitely not be thinking about either child’s needs.

  10. Joseph says:

    First let me say, I like YOUR title to the article much better!! I’m glad you were able to give a viewpoint that so many of us have lived, and that you DIDN’T cave when the crazy host tried to push you in a certain direction. I too, would love to see the interview!!

  11. Patrick says:

    I agree that it’s important to talk about the hard parts of adoption and not just the roses and rainbows and I feel agencies should try to do more to prepare parents for just how tough the adjustment may be. But, when you were in the throes of that tough adjustment, did you think “hey, I think I’ll start another adoption even though my agency thinks I should allow my child a year to be the new kid and adjust to a new family?” That is what I really don’t understand about Torry Hansen and why I think she’s a little more messed up than just an average parent having a seriously difficult adjustment. She’s having serious difficulty with one child and she wants to throw another child into the mix. That would definitely not be thinking about either child’s needs.

  12. Tony says:

    First let me say, I like YOUR title to the article much better!! I’m glad you were able to give a viewpoint that so many of us have lived, and that you DIDN’T cave when the crazy host tried to push you in a certain direction. I too, would love to see the interview!!

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