Now that I’m done being the flavor of the week, the most interesting news around here is that the Brussels Sprouts and Broccoli have sprouted! (They’re from the same plant family, so it’s nut too surprising they’d be first together.)This is our first year growing the garden from seed (you can expect to read about it in Kiwi next spring) and we have four little grow shelves of seeds. We planted over the weekend, and they’ve been getting very dry under the lights, so tonight I thought we’d put their little clear plastic covers on to keep the moisture in–and there they were, four little tiny sprouts, giving me hope for the rest. Frankly I was doubting. I don’t know why–why wouldn’t they grow? but the whole thing looked rather arid. It’s nice to see the green. We put the covers on anyway, though.
And–in response to someone who commented yesterday (and I am very happy here with my 5 comments, as opposed to the, um, 700 over on Slate–NPR offered to link to this blog today, and I was all NO! NON ONO! and they didn’t)–I don’t think I’m harming any of the kids. They were here, after all, Rory included, and they KNOW we had a rough summer. It’s not like she didn’t notice being taken from her foster home, where she was petted and beloved, and being given to us, where petting and snuggling tended to alternate with being frustrated by her tantrums and anger. And she knows she’s loved now–there’s no doubt. She’s settled in, and we’ve settled in. I also don’t think talking about a difficult adjustment–and really, we had an easy adjustment, relatively speaking–my point was that a lot of adjustments are difficult, and that there are many, many different places between perfection and Torry Hansen where most of us spend some time. So, I disagree. No harm done to any of my four–I’ll make sure they’re well aware that this, and anything else I write, is out there. No surprises. And no harm to other adoptive families–at least, not that I can see. The more light we shine on our experiences, the less likely people are to over-react to things like what happened this week. I’m not sure what to say to the idea that Rory failed to fulfil my mother-fantasies, other than to smile and nod vaguely. Ok, whatever you say on that one.
My all time favorite comment on the week came early on, on Slate, from a lovely guy who said, lady, if your kids wind up on the couch, it’s going to be because you’re a narcissistic drama queen, not because of adoption. Well, yeah, that sounds about right. I mean, you know it’s going to be SOMETHING.
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KJ Dell’Antonia
sent from my iPhone
HA! I often wonder what my kids will say about me when they are on the “couch” in the future!!!
I heard you on Talk of the Nation while we rode to the zoo today, but had to cut out early. Two 3-year olds do not take kindly to sitting in the zoo parking lot listening to talk radio!!! I think you conveyed our experience pretty accurately. I just think if we are all open about the fact that the adjustment is difficult on the parents side as well, expectations wouldn’t be so high and people wouldn’t feel so guilty when everything isn’t perfect all the time.
So thanks!
I’ve been thinking about the comments regarding what happens when your kids are old enough to read and read these articles, etc. and I wholeheartedly support honesty with children. This is the world and this is what it is like and tiptoe-ing around kids as they grow up and when they are grown is doing them a disservice because they live in this world too. It is not you are saying to Rory nor I to Ali right now in their four year old worlds, “Hey kid, Mommy didn’t/doesn’t really love you, you know.” BUT when they are grown up enough to have a developmentally appropriate conversation, if it come sup, you can bet that I will be honest. Hiding the truth is the problem with cases like Torry Ann Hansen and her son. She hid the truth from everyone until it was too late for them. I’m not saying she have told her son that she didn;t love him, but doesn’t everyone think he got the message loud and clear in a less than developmentally appropriate way when she had Gramma put him on that plane?! It’s all the crap about parents thinking/feeling they cannot be honest about their feelings that is what wrong with adoption. Let’s be open and honest and raise open and honest kids.
What if Rory or Ali want to adopt an older child when they are all grown up? I will most certainly re-iterate to Ali what it was like when she came home so that she can follow her heart with all the information in it.
KJ- I’m commenter #5- to clarify, I realize its an adjustment to have a child, as a mother myself of a biological child I had no idea of how challenging it would be. But, I continued to love my daughter through those challenges realizing that she is a child, and I am an adult. My love for her is not predicated on her behaviors, and I’m baffled and astonished that parents can toggle in and out of loving their child because of a tantrum. I simply don’t understand. I was left to speculate you had a fantasy that this child would be perfect, and therefore worthy of love. It appears to me from your statements is that the love for the biological child is unconditional, whereas the love for the adopted child is based on behavior as if the adopted child needs to somehow “earn” parental love. Your article re-enforces existing stereotypes that are profoundly damaging to the adoptees identity- that they are not wanted, less valuable, less lovable, and that their adopted family really did not love them. About 2% of the US population is adopted. I work with addicted/homeless people- about 15-25% of them are adoptees (the people we work with)
I am an adoptee myself. My adoptive mother is deceased, however if she told me she didn’t love me I would have been devastated. I believe she did love me and I feel very fortunate.
In the interest of helping your adopted daughter, I would suggest you read “Journey of the Adopted Self” very insightful as to how adoptees process their worlds.
KJ- I’m commenter #5- to clarify, I realize its an adjustment to have a child, as a mother myself of a biological child I had no idea of how challenging it would be. But, I continued to love my daughter through those challenges realizing that she is a child, and I am an adult. My love for her is not predicated on her behaviors, and I’m baffled and astonished that parents can toggle in and out of loving their child because of a tantrum. I simply don’t understand. I was left to speculate you had a fantasy that this child would be perfect, and therefore worthy of love. It appears to me from your statements is that the love for the biological child is unconditional, whereas the love for the adopted child is based on behavior as if the adopted child needs to somehow “earn” parental love. Your article re-enforces existing stereotypes that are profoundly damaging to the adoptees identity- that they are not wanted, less valuable, less lovable, and that their adopted family really did not love them. About 2% of the US population is adopted. I work with addicted/homeless people- about 15-25% of them are adoptees (the people we work with)
I am an adoptee myself. My adoptive mother is deceased, however if she told me she didn’t love me I would have been devastated. I believe she did love me and I feel very fortunate.
In the interest of helping your adopted daughter, I would suggest you read “Journey of the Adopted Self” very insightful as to how adoptees process their worlds.
KJ- I’m commenter #5- to clarify, I realize its an adjustment to have a child, as a mother myself of a biological child I had no idea of how challenging it would be. But, I continued to love my daughter through those challenges realizing that she is a child, and I am an adult. My love for her is not predicated on her behaviors, and I’m baffled and astonished that parents can toggle in and out of loving their child because of a tantrum. I simply don’t understand. I was left to speculate you had a fantasy that this child would be perfect, and therefore worthy of love. It appears to me from your statements is that the love for the biological child is unconditional, whereas the love for the adopted child is based on behavior as if the adopted child needs to somehow “earn” parental love. Your article re-enforces existing stereotypes that are profoundly damaging to the adoptees identity- that they are not wanted, less valuable, less lovable, and that their adopted family really did not love them. About 2% of the US population is adopted. I work with addicted/homeless people- about 15-25% of them are adoptees (the people we work with)
I am an adoptee myself. My adoptive mother is deceased, however if she told me she didn’t love me I would have been devastated. I believe she did love me and I feel very fortunate.
In the interest of helping your adopted daughter, I would suggest you read “Journey of the Adopted Self” very insightful as to how adoptees process their worlds.
KJ- I’m commenter #5- to clarify, I realize its an adjustment to have a child, as a mother myself of a biological child I had no idea of how challenging it would be. But, I continued to love my daughter through those challenges realizing that she is a child, and I am an adult. My love for her is not predicated on her behaviors, and I’m baffled and astonished that parents can toggle in and out of loving their child because of a tantrum. I simply don’t understand. I was left to speculate you had a fantasy that this child would be perfect, and therefore worthy of love. It appears to me from your statements is that the love for the biological child is unconditional, whereas the love for the adopted child is based on behavior as if the adopted child needs to somehow “earn” parental love. Your article re-enforces existing stereotypes that are profoundly damaging to the adoptees identity- that they are not wanted, less valuable, less lovable, and that their adopted family really did not love them. About 2% of the US population is adopted. I work with addicted/homeless people- about 15-25% of them are adoptees (the people we work with)
I am an adoptee myself. My adoptive mother is deceased, however if she told me she didn’t love me I would have been devastated. I believe she did love me and I feel very fortunate.
In the interest of helping your adopted daughter, I would suggest you read “Journey of the Adopted Self” very insightful as to how adoptees process their worlds.
KJ- I’m commenter #5- to clarify, I realize its an adjustment to have a child, as a mother myself of a biological child I had no idea of how challenging it would be. But, I continued to love my daughter through those challenges realizing that she is a child, and I am an adult. My love for her is not predicated on her behaviors, and I’m baffled and astonished that parents can toggle in and out of loving their child because of a tantrum. I simply don’t understand. I was left to speculate you had a fantasy that this child would be perfect, and therefore worthy of love. It appears to me from your statements is that the love for the biological child is unconditional, whereas the love for the adopted child is based on behavior as if the adopted child needs to somehow “earn” parental love. Your article re-enforces existing stereotypes that are profoundly damaging to the adoptees identity- that they are not wanted, less valuable, less lovable, and that their adopted family really did not love them. About 2% of the US population is adopted. I work with addicted/homeless people- about 15-25% of them are adoptees (the people we work with)
I am an adoptee myself. My adoptive mother is deceased, however if she told me she didn’t love me I would have been devastated. I believe she did love me and I feel very fortunate.
In the interest of helping your adopted daughter, I would suggest you read “Journey of the Adopted Self” very insightful as to how adoptees process their worlds.
KJ- I’m commenter #5- to clarify, I realize its an adjustment to have a child, as a mother myself of a biological child I had no idea of how challenging it would be. But, I continued to love my daughter through those challenges realizing that she is a child, and I am an adult. My love for her is not predicated on her behaviors, and I’m baffled and astonished that parents can toggle in and out of loving their child because of a tantrum. I simply don’t understand. I was left to speculate you had a fantasy that this child would be perfect, and therefore worthy of love. It appears to me from your statements is that the love for the biological child is unconditional, whereas the love for the adopted child is based on behavior as if the adopted child needs to somehow “earn” parental love. Your article re-enforces existing stereotypes that are profoundly damaging to the adoptees identity- that they are not wanted, less valuable, less lovable, and that their adopted family really did not love them. About 2% of the US population is adopted. I work with addicted/homeless people- about 15-25% of them are adoptees (the people we work with)
I am an adoptee myself. My adoptive mother is deceased, however if she told me she didn’t love me I would have been devastated. I believe she did love me and I feel very fortunate.
In the interest of helping your adopted daughter, I would suggest you read “Journey of the Adopted Self” very insightful as to how adoptees process their worlds.