After we went to Cape Cod, I had this whole post in my head about how, when you were young, you always imagined you’d go on vacation and come back changed, and now I had–I’d come back fully accepting and loving Rory and happy with our family. And then the last day had its ups and downs, and I lost the feeling, and since then, it’s gone wildly back and forth. It’s scheduling time, and change time, and as much as I look forward to getting everyone into the routine (and having EVERYONE IN SCHOOL EVERY MORNING!), it’s also complicated. Who will drive who where when? Who will pick who up? Having two three-year-olds in carseats completely knocks you out of the carpool lane, and I’d sooner hang one of them off the hood of the car than put him or her into a booster–they’d be out of that seat so fast your head would spin. Nope, these are the kids the five-point-harness was made for.
One minute, we’ll all be having a good time, or Wyatt and Rory will be playing together, or Rory will be declaring “Sam love me!” and my heart will sing. The next, I’ll be thinking–if I’d left well enough alone, I’d have only Wyatt in the afternoon. We could ride my bike with him in the seat, run errands, drink coffee–he’s my little buddy! Now that time is always, absolutely, two-on-one, because it’s not like Rory has activities without Wy, or playdates without Wy. And I find myself resenting that. I miss my time with him! But I’ve also been reluctant to leave her alone with a babysitter, feeling that if we took all the other kids away, she might think she was being left. I think we could do it now, with one sitter in particular, but still–now I need to plan Wyatt time just like Sam and Lily time, and last year it just…happened. And if there’s Wyatt time, there should be Rory time, too! And I don’t always WANT Rory time. Rory’s with me every chance she gets…I’m having a hard time planning for it specially, even though I often enjoy her company. I think I’ll want to. I think what I’ll do is do alternating afternoons with her and Wy once a week when Heather’s there.
Anyway, the scheduling makes me very aware of how much has changed, and how on edge I still am about that change. But getting there.