Nietzsche and Adoption

I don’t know about you, but I worry about my pampered bio kids sometimes. I moved and changed schools multiple times as a kid. I hated it; it was awful. My mom worked and, much as she did for me, there wasn’t anybody to bring me my lunch if I forgot it. As I got older, I had more responsibilities, and a few more baddish things to live through, etc. So I had my (small compared to, say, Jeannette Walls) trials and tribulations, and I grew up reasonably tough.

So far, not so the three, whose only tribs thus far have been the arrivals of their various siblings and the horror of, say, not being given a cup of the appropriate color at breakfast.

It’s taken this friend to remind me that Rory definitely isn’t in that position. Tough times, she’s seen a few. And I’ve been, let’s say, somewhat willfully blind to it for the past few weeks. I don’t know why. Maybe because it’s tough to admit that why, yes, as everyone has pointed out, we have taken on something rather difficult. Maybe because I–like Rory–don’t like to be “taught” things. I like to discover them myself, and then pretend I have always known them, because I am so very very cool. Maybe it’s because I’m just a snot.

You know what I’m going to do with Rory and Wyatt his afternoon? Bake cookies. WIth them. The three of us, doing a big family thing. Small, but big. Peanut butter cookies, because of the joyful making the criss-cross form parks part that everybody likes. (Fortunately I also really like extremely squished, and therefore crispy and burnt, cookies.)

Maybe we’ll get crazy ambitious and mail some to China. To Rory’s Bethany-friend.

5 Responses to “Nietzsche and Adoption”

  1. michelle says:

    I for one am thrilled to see this post. I must say I have been reading your blog and almost daily leave feeling upset. I do not believe we have to let adoption define our children but I do believe we must acknowledge their prior experiences and we just can’t pretend they didn’t happen. I think the person who commented on the first day of school (I believe her name was Janis) wrote a beautiful post. I am so happy to hear you see you see things from Rory’s perspective!!!! The first months home are never easy but the more you can empathize with the child and give them what they need the better the adjustment for everyone.

  2. michelle says:

    Sorry her name was Bonnie – very well written and meaningful!

  3. Kelly Morant says:

    I agree it’s a lovely post today. But just wanted to add that in all your posts, despite the difficulty that you are feeling, I can see how you love her also. I actually think it must be so hard to adopt a child having already got children biologically. I’m not a mum yet, maybe I will have mine, maybe adopt. Its all on the cards at the moment, but I didnt want you to read Michelle’s nice post and feel upset that we cant see how you really feel for her. It is obvious.

  4. Marie-Claude Gagnon says:

    So happy that you gave yourself a break and at the same time realized Rory comes with a lot of baggage. Having bio and adopted kids I can tell you its hard on everybody and baking cookings is a great way for them to have quality time with you and a sibling. I agree adoption will not define their whole life, but for the first few years it does. I just came back from the emergency room (our last girl fell at school, small concussion) an old man looked at Beatrice, asked where did you get her…I answered China, he said very loud so everybody could hear including Beatrice, ”she had no parents in China…she’s lucky to live in Canada….

    Boy was I mad, first of all, mind your own business, we are the lucky ones (I wanted another child) …she’s five and I have talked to her about her adoption for a long time, just 30 minutes ago she talked to me about the man at the hospital. ”Mommy, I did have parents in China, I had a Tummy Mommy, now you are my forever Mommy, I have more mommies that most kids, I’m lucky. We come a long way. Adoption does not define them their whole life but sometimes you meet people and they need to be ready…their baggage resurfaces. Hang in there, you will get through it.

  5. Kelly Morant says:

    That’s awful.. re the doctor!! How dare he! How dare he even ask that in the first place, like she was a dog or something! You could have given birth to her, your partner could have been any nationality! I really feel for you and for her. I would have put in a complaint.