Yep, it’s been a year. Actually, as of this writing (I suspect it may take a while to finish and post this) it’s been one year and 3 days.
And I have not written the traditional anniversary web post. I believe, based on what I’ve read and seen, that it should be addressed to Rory, should include a lovely list of all the ways she’s grown and changed in the past year and all the ways she’s made our lives better, and conclude with a firm declaration that we couldn’t live without her and that we’d do it all over again.
Yeah. I’m thinkin; maybe we need another year.
All of things are true, yes. grown and changed, absolutely. Done remarkably well for someone who had then entire rug of her life yanked out from under her, oh yes, all of that. And although there isn’t enough money in all the world to make me live the last year over again, I wouldn’t change a thing. We’ve got all that. But I can’t do it justice right now, because at the moment, it feels like we’re very nearly back where we started. Not sleeping. Getting out of bed to jump around like crazy every night. Sneaking things. Obsessed with food, unable to focus on anything if the possibility that she might be able to eat candy or chips exists. Trying to nap all day, crying hysterically when I won’t let her take a THIRD nap at 5:30 because we have to get back on a nighttime sleeping schedule sometime, hitting me, kicking me, and trying to refuse to stop crying or come inside from the garage unless I will come and make a big fuss over her.
Sigh. It’s a better version of all of the above: it doesn’t make me particularly angry anymore, just exhausted. Most things don’t last as long. I’m sure it will pass. And frankly, I just find it funny to be called “poopyhead.” But it does make me tired. Rob says she’s just too much like me, she pushes my buttons the way lily does by being stubborn and argumentative (for example, every night for the past two weeks, we have had the following conversation:
Mommy, is it night?
No it not! It not! I can still see sun! See?
I mean, if you’re going to argue, why ask?
My mother says she’s just a control freak who’s testing her limits, and she wants to see what she’s in charge of, and what I am. This may be true, but it’s getting a little old–and I suspect it will last a lifetime.
Anyway. Things aren’t too bad. It’s just–a little deja vu. Today’s tantrum, for example, came on the way home from the pool/pond–scene of so many astonishingly bad afternoons last year. Maybe it isn’t that we need another year, but that we need another summer, because last summer was just so bad. Maybe we need to write over it with a good summer memory. I’ll hold that thought and ride with it, because it does look like being a really, really good summer. The garden is growing, the sun is shining, and things are holding steady. I don’t really need more than that.