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Have I mentioned that I have kids?

Not Me!

By KJ / Thursday, August 25, 2011

IMAGE REMOVED DUE TO COPYRIGHT FEARS, BUT IT WAS A FAMILY CIRCUS CARTOON FEATURING THE “NOT ME” GHOST. When I was a kid I thought these Family Circus comics were so funny! Can you imagine a bunch of kids all saying it wasn’t them? That would be so crazy! I was an only child, and only once, once in my entire life was I ever not responsible for some transgression I was accused of. Left the oreos open? Me. Milk […]

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The Traditional Birthday Tantrum

By KJ / Saturday, June 11, 2011

First of all, let me say that I angsted over this pinata. I don’t even like pinatas. I mean, I did, when I was little and lived in San Antonio, where some kids had pinatas hanging in their rooms from trips to Nuevo Laredo (in more peaceful times). Me, I had a large ceramic piggy bank I believed was decorated in traditional fashion. No one I knew had ever had a pinata to break, although we had heard of them. […]

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How It Could Be

By KJ / Thursday, May 12, 2011

Today: Lily’s lacrosse. Lily’s lacrosse takes place from 3:15-4:15 at the green in front of the elementary school in one of the next towns over. On the down side, it’s a solid 20 minutes there from Lily’s school, which gets out at … 3. This means we WILL be late. No matter how hard I try. I can be bright and shiny and first in the carpool line, and there we will still be: late. On the plus side, Lily’s […]

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Homework Help

By KJ / Monday, April 27, 2009

It’s a beautiful night here. I’d like to go for a walk with the dog. I would much rather be going for a walk with the dog–and even the younger kids–than babysitting by 7-year-old while he completes a project about New York state for his “state fair.” Go ahead, you say? Why don’t you? Why should you be stuck with hishomework? Well, if I don’t contribute at all, then what he will end up with is a posterboard covered in […]

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Why It’s Easier to Just MAKE the Tea

By KJ / Tuesday, April 7, 2009

There has been some recent discussion in the Beyond Nuclear household about how our children do not do enough for themselves. When Sam asked for a hot drink after dinner tonight (because it’s April in New Hampshire), it seemed like the perfect opportunity. He is a responsible child, and permitted to use, on occasion, sharp knives. I will show you how to make yourself some tea, I said. I put the tea kettle on to boil and showed him where […]

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Thirty Minutes a Day, Take One

By KJ / Wednesday, March 26, 2008

So, when I vow to make a change, I do not set what anyone would call manageable goals. I tend to go big, which means that now that the deficiencies in Sam’s education have been drawn more emphatically to my attention (Thanks Mom!) and with the possiblility (probablility) of his heading to Crossroads (local independent school) in the near future, where they have standards and expect the kids to know actual things (like what mummies are and how the circulatory […]

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In Praise of Wyatt (Why not?)

By KJ / Monday, March 3, 2008

OK, Wyatt is exceptional. And in the interest of bringing everyone around to my way of thinking, let me just share some of the cute and brilliant things he’s said in the past couple of days–two weeks shy of his second birthday (because there’s nothing more fascinating than stories about the cute things my kid said, is there?) He and Lily were playing Hide and Seek. He found her, and there was much giggling, and he said “I thought you […]

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Patience: Not My Virtue

By KJ / Wednesday, April 5, 2006

Today was solo time day for Sam and Lily–well, solo plus Wyatt, which is what they both want. Lily got to take Wyatt to music class–well, she didn’t have any choice there, because I didn’t have a sitter, but she did want to. He actually laid on the floor between my legs, eyes open, watching everything and apparently had a wonderful time. Lily showed him off–It’s Wyatt! And did more than she’s ever done in class before. They made my […]

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Things get better

By KJ / Saturday, March 25, 2006

You know, this is the good part. Lily had a much better day today, not asking for “nappy” quite so much, took no for an answer a couple of times and actively chose to stop nursing, even though Wyatt was still at it, so that she could play with Sam. And both went to bed beautifully. I’m happy to nurse her, pleased to still get to hold her that way, as long as it’s not every time I nurse Wyatt! […]

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Wyatt, Baby Extraordinaire, Arrives

By KJ / Monday, March 20, 2006

So, not a false alarm after all! I will post a picture, I will share the whole story, just as soon as I catch up on my sleep (right–that will be sometime in 2008, so maybe just a little sooner!) But suffice it to say, labor indeed. But no faster, unfortunately, than with numbers one or two. It seems like my body pretty much has all kids the same way–no shooting them out like watermelon seeds for me! (Some woman, […]

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3 long weeks or 3 short weeks?

By KJ / Monday, February 27, 2006

It has just come to my attention that my due date-and this is my latest due date, actually five days away from the earliest one that’s been suggested–is three weeks away. (Not latest in the sense that it’s just been given to me, but latest in the sense that of the three guesses made by various midwives and ultrasound technicians, it’s the farthest away.) Three weeks is not very much. We have yogurt in our fridge that will still be […]

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The Amazingly Quick Morning Routine

By KJ / Friday, February 24, 2006

I just want to say that I can wash my hair, blow dry, do make-up, etc. and get dressed in about half an hour or less, I really can. This is why it took an hour and a half this morning: Undressed for shower. Lily decided she wanted to shower, too. Helped her take off pjs, diaper. Lily sees that it is a shower, not a tubby, and does not want to get int. Much crying ensues, which probably actually […]

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2 Hours A Day Is Not Enough

By KJ / Monday, February 20, 2006

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A Very Small Silver Lining

By KJ / Friday, February 10, 2006

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24-7 Kids Kids Kids

By KJ / Saturday, February 4, 2006

I sometimes think that we are the only family that spends all of our time either actively entertaining our kids grunting and getting up unwillingly to help with something or get something while trying to do something that appeals to you (like, say, reading the newspaper) trying to persuade your spouse to do all the entertaining so you can hear yourself think taking kids somewhere kid-appropriate, or at least somewhere to kill time. Sam and Lily are 4 1/2 and […]

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Unquestionably the Lamest Last-Minute Show and Tell Ever

By KJ / Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Picture026.jpg, originally uploaded by kjda. Sam, stricken, as we walk into school today: It’s Show and Tell Day! Me: Oh. Sam: And we can’t pick something from the classroom anymore! I need something! It is clear there is no point in suggesting that he just not give a show and tell today, not if I want to get out of there without tears. I suggest that I’ll go to the car and look for something. The car is not the […]

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It Only Seems Like Forever

By KJ / Tuesday, January 3, 2006

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By KJ / Thursday, December 15, 2005

So, old lady in the grocery store, you win. I am sorry that my two children and their mini-carts momentarily blocked your progress through the grocery store. I am sure you have many, many other important things to do, and hopefully you’re expending most orf your patience on them. That’s the sarcastic bit. But actually, I really am ashamed that either a) they can’t push those damnable little carts of horror nicely, without freezing in mid aisle to determinedly chew […]

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By KJ / Tuesday, November 22, 2005

This is wholly stolen from a friend of mine, who’s website I would link to here if she’d let me, although it would be risky because she has, probably wisely, chosen to keep her site wholly anonymous, but: The best thing about being pregnant with your third baby is that when people smile wisely at you and say “Is it your first?” you shake your head and say “Nope. Third.” And then they just back slowly away. No advice, no […]

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Maternity Jeans

By KJ / Tuesday, November 8, 2005

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Big News and Excuses (and Too Much Information for Dad)

By KJ / Tuesday, October 4, 2005

We’ll be adding a third devil to the pack in March. I couldn’t blog about it until I told my mom, now, could I? And I couldn’t tell my mom without some good concrete info about a due date, and I couldn’t get good concrete info about a due date without an ultrasound, and I couldn’t get an ultrasound until they managed to squeeze me into their insanely busy schedule. Why no pre-existing info about a due date? Because my […]

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I Have to GOOOOO!

By KJ / Tuesday, September 6, 2005

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Words, Many Words and More from Lily

By KJ / Thursday, September 1, 2005

Today Lily took a tube of toothpaste and pretended to squeeze it out onto her arm and rub it in. So I guess I’ve been putting enough sunscreen on her. She’s repeating words, and using lots on her own, like shoe and backpack (which started with Dora but also applies to backpacks in the real world, and which is doubly funny because one of Sam’s words at this stage was “Clue!”). She understands so much–bring me the bowl, bring me […]

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The Things We Do for Love

By KJ / Thursday, August 25, 2005

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Lily is not sure this is a good idea.

By KJ / Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Lily is not sure this is a good idea., originally uploaded by kjda. She tried it later. Also the kibble, yum. Moments after this was taken, the goat came over to explore her, and she placed her fat little hand firmly between his little horn stubs and shoved him away. accrington hotelsringtone allenfighting ringtone 100 five for50 cent candy shop ringtones8390 ringtone nokiasamsung free a920 ringtonerage ringtone against machineringtone wilson cell al phone Map

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Sam feeds the goats.

By KJ / Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Sam feeds the goats., originally uploaded by kjda. First time he’s been so brave. This was particularly gratifying (to him, but both of us, really) because his best friend Joey, usually much braver than Sam, refused to let the goats eat out of his hand. Instead, he threw the food at their faces and ran like crazy. He later found a nice bunny to eat out of his hand. (Take that, Joe! Your son’s only brave enough for bunnies! So […]

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On Toys and Plane Travel, Among Other Things

By KJ / Friday, August 19, 2005

Sam was helpless in the face of the dogs. They’d knock him over, take his food, and kick sand in his face for good measure. Lily is already trying to whack them in the nose if they come anywhere near her when she’s eating something–or, like tonight, biting pieces off of a cucumber and then spitting them out. I never said she wasn’t weird, just that she’s assertive. Sam built some sort of bridge out of plastic wine glasses tonight, […]

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Mice Are SO Not My Department

By KJ / Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Sam and I were cleaning out the car today, while Lily climbed around among all the debris we’d removed from our own little Tobacco Road. I was clearing receipts, wrappers and toy bits from the front console and Sam was vacuuming Lily’s car seat when, over the roar of the wet/dry vac, I hear “Something’s really scaring me, Mommy!” There’s an undertone of panic, and I move fast. On the ground, in front of the vacuum I see a small, […]

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The Flaming, Defiant Role Model

By KJ / Friday, July 8, 2005

I was listening to some of my backlogged This American Life in the car, driving down to Boston and back to get Trixie (because I am an NPR geek, and my ipod contains TAL episodes, one audio book by Anne Lamott and two by Sarah Vowell, plus miscellaneous music which I almost never listen to). The particular episode that caught my attention featured Seattle writer and syndicated sex columnist Dan Savage talking about a kid he’s particularly admired in high […]

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And More Happy Birthday to Lily

By KJ / Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Tonight was Lily’s actual birthday celebration. 12 adults and 12 kids ranging in age from 7 mos-4 years descended upon us, bearing gifts. We fed them cake, pizza, strawberries and grapes, not actually in that order. Oh, and also, cheese puffs. Kendall said “oh, hell, forget organic, have a cheese puff,” and I looked at her in horror. “They are organic!”. These are our closest friends. At the moment, in order to be admitted into our inner circle, you must […]

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Happy Birthday to Lily

By KJ / Friday, June 10, 2005

Lily’s one today, glorious one. She walked her first step on Memorial day, four steps two days later–and hasn’t repeated it since. She’s the Queen Mum of waving, standing at the train table, greeting me with a frantic wave when I come to release her from her car seat. She likes putting things in things, then taking them out, then putting them back in again (I could go on…). She likes bags to carry and hats to put on her […]

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Not Quite the O.C.

By KJ / Tuesday, May 17, 2005

A complete confession–I really like it when Jetta gets what she deserves. I mean, she’s so snooty, and even her dog is snooty, and it’s just somehow satisfying to see her learn her lesson every ten minutes (although if she’d really learned her lesson, she wouldn’t have to relearn it every day, would she? Also, I finally saw the one where they introduce Enrique, and it explained a lot, although I’d still like to know why the one dragon in […]

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Oh, You

By KJ / Sunday, May 1, 2005

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Brilliant Things People I Know Have Said About Dwarfs

By KJ / Wednesday, April 27, 2005

First, check out what Tish has to say about the Seven Dwarfs of PMS. I particularly love the illustrations. I’ll just take this as an excuse to segway into this child malapropism story, which I otherwise would have absolutely no reason to share: Sam, at preschool one day last summer, handed me his project (a toilet paper roll creature) on the way to the car. I admired it, but dropped it (without realizing it) lifting him into his seat. “My […]

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By KJ / Sunday, April 24, 2005

Never underestimate the powers of a girl whose night out in NYC has been cruely ripped from her grasp. I checked in with a friend on the way to the city, and she relayed the bad news: stomach flu had felled our babysitter. I shook my fist and cursed the darkness, then picked up my cell phone and started flipping through names—who would know a babysitter? Karen, friend and sitter extraordinaire, is getting married in two weeks…I tried anyway. She […]

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By KJ / Wednesday, April 20, 2005

I’d forgotten entirely that one of the frustrations of older babies is their sheer shackling power. Sam was a master shackler. He could not, would not play alone. If he could see me, he wanted arms, kisses, breasts. I could do nothing while he was awake and little while he was asleep due to his sheer unpredictability. They won’t watch TV (Oh, I know, bad and all that, but come ON…). They cannot be bribed, or sedated with snacks, and […]

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(From the Motherhood, LLC Employee Manual

By KJ / Tuesday, April 19, 2005

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Beautiful Duke (Rhymes with Puke)

By KJ / Saturday, April 16, 2005

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Better Rested But Probably Still Damned…

By KJ / Friday, April 8, 2005

As always, things look better in daylight. In fact, Lily slept until 4:45, then nursed and went back to sleep until seven in our bed. If I’d known she was going to do that, instead of convincing myself she was going to wake up every ten minutes until doomsday, I would not have a large purple mark on my palm. Now that no one is screaming and the sun is shining and the kids are, in fact, with Holly so […]

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Chronicles of the Sleepless and Damned

By KJ / Friday, April 8, 2005

I just hit Lily’s crib so hard that I think I broke my hand. Really helped. too. I imagine she feels really secure in there right now. I also screamed back at her in rage, hit myself repeatedly in the head with my hand and shook said crib, hard. All in an attempt to get her to just GO TO SLEEP AND STAY ASLEEP DAMNIT. No one heard me and came to my rescue. Probably more significantly, no one came […]

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Nothing like a Skull & Crossbones Crib Bumper

By KJ / Thursday, March 31, 2005

This might very well have changed my entire nursery decorating scheme. Or maybe not. But who knew the whole cool-baby thing had gone so far? You all know my views on decking babies out in parental political views (or if you don’t, click here). And Babywit.com certainly has enough of those. But I think I’ve found just the right look for Lily. Perfect. country free ringtones India expects to reach 500 million subscribers by end of 2010. ringtones band [citation […]

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My Son, the Imaginary Bully

By KJ / Wednesday, March 30, 2005

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The Gift of a Fine Whine

By KJ / Monday, March 28, 2005

Every parent wants her child to be advanced, so you can imagine my surprise and pleasure when I realized that Sam, 3, was clearly whining on a first grade level. His heaving sighs and his weary gasps of “Oooh-Kaay” when required to complete a less than desirable task, like picking up a toy or peeing in the toilet, reminded me irresistibly of the little girl across the street, whose aimless heel kicking and pouting I had long admired. His “but […]

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Death, Tact and the Preschooler

By KJ / Friday, March 18, 2005

I only wish I knew what led up to this conversation, but when Sam and his friend joey are playing quietly in another room, we leave them until someone comes out bleeding. Sitting in the dining room, madly frosting cookies for tomorrow’s bake sale, Laura and I hear: “My grandpa died. He died, and my Grandma Layne misses him very much, and she’s sad, and I have to go visit her and keep her company.” “Oh.” It’s hard to convey […]

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Damn, Did I Forget to Feed Her?

By KJ / Wednesday, March 16, 2005

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Cheap Amusements, Part 1

By KJ / Tuesday, March 15, 2005

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By KJ / Monday, March 14, 2005

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On the Radio

By KJ / Monday, March 14, 2005

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On Another Potty Note

By KJ / Friday, March 11, 2005

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Once Again, in Deep DooDoo…

By KJ / Friday, March 11, 2005

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