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KJ

Brilliant Things People I Know Have Said About Dwarfs

By KJ / Wednesday, April 27, 2005

First, check out what Tish has to say about the Seven Dwarfs of PMS. I particularly love the illustrations. I’ll just take this as an excuse to segway into this child malapropism story, which I otherwise would have absolutely no reason to share: Sam, at preschool one day last summer, handed me his project (a toilet paper roll creature) on the way to the car. I admired it, but dropped it (without realizing it) lifting him into his seat. “My […]

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There’s a Hole in the Bucket

By KJ / Thursday, July 30, 2020

I can’t think. Every day finds me standing in one room or another, asking any human or animal within the range of my voice important existential questions: Why am I here? What was I thinking? Why am I holding this spoon? Usually I do manage to sort that out (someone once told me that if you go back through the doorway you just came through, it helps you remember what you came for, and it absolutely works although I do […]

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A Little on Lily

By KJ / Friday, March 4, 2005

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Look At the Schnoz On Her!

By KJ / Friday, March 4, 2005

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Cariboo, Caribad

By KJ / Friday, March 4, 2005

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Wiggly Giggly Lily

By KJ / Saturday, March 5, 2005

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The Importance of Gravity

By KJ / Saturday, March 5, 2005

Coming out to the car tonight, Sam looked up and said “Look at all the twinkly stars!” “The really bright ones might be planets,” I said. He laughed. “Mommy, planets are in outer space!” “That is outer space, up there, with all the stars.” He laughed harder. “But it’s just dark up there, and it goes away in the morning!” So I explained that the dark and the stars and the planets were always there, and we just can’t see […]

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Once Again, in Deep DooDoo…

By KJ / Friday, March 11, 2005

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On Another Potty Note

By KJ / Friday, March 11, 2005

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On the Radio

By KJ / Monday, March 14, 2005

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Optimism

By KJ / Monday, March 14, 2005

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Cheap Amusements, Part 1

By KJ / Tuesday, March 15, 2005

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Cariboo, Caribee

By KJ / Friday, March 4, 2005

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Carefree, Ad-busted (or new fashion trend?)

By KJ / Wednesday, March 2, 2005

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Back to New York

By KJ / Thursday, February 24, 2005

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Listen Here, Baby

By KJ / Monday, January 31, 2005

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Feds to Overweight America: Drop Dead.

By KJ / Tuesday, February 1, 2005

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Just a Big Pile of Snot and Misery

By KJ / Friday, February 4, 2005

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My Reading Baby

By KJ / Monday, February 7, 2005

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Poopy-Bottomed Demon Child

By KJ / Monday, February 7, 2005

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Update from the John

By KJ / Wednesday, February 9, 2005

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It Worked for Virgina

By KJ / Wednesday, February 9, 2005

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Super Saver Shipping

By KJ / Wednesday, February 9, 2005

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Bananas and Schadenfreude

By KJ / Tuesday, February 15, 2005

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Upgrade in Progress

By KJ / Tuesday, February 22, 2005

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All in My Head

By KJ / Wednesday, March 16, 2005

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Damn, Did I Forget to Feed Her?

By KJ / Wednesday, March 16, 2005

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Better Rested But Probably Still Damned…

By KJ / Friday, April 8, 2005

As always, things look better in daylight. In fact, Lily slept until 4:45, then nursed and went back to sleep until seven in our bed. If I’d known she was going to do that, instead of convincing myself she was going to wake up every ten minutes until doomsday, I would not have a large purple mark on my palm. Now that no one is screaming and the sun is shining and the kids are, in fact, with Holly so […]

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The Triumph of Optimism over Experience (Again)

By KJ / Sunday, April 10, 2005

The most popular jogging route in town runs right past our front door. On a beautiful spring day, you can’t help but look at the people running by and find yourself somehow convinced that they are having fun–that their shins do not hurt and their hearts are not pounding and their lungs are not crying for mercy. Or at least, I can’t. I put Lily into the jog stroller and set out on the 3-mile loop. Is it possible to […]

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The West Wing Finale (Finally)

By KJ / Tuesday, April 12, 2005

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On Gratitude, the Media, and Michael Jackson

By KJ / Tuesday, April 12, 2005

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Beautiful Duke (Rhymes with Puke)

By KJ / Saturday, April 16, 2005

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The Terrible Twisty Tentacles of Depression and Schadenfreude

By KJ / Tuesday, April 19, 2005

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(From the Motherhood, LLC Employee Manual

By KJ / Tuesday, April 19, 2005

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By KJ / Wednesday, April 20, 2005

I’d forgotten entirely that one of the frustrations of older babies is their sheer shackling power. Sam was a master shackler. He could not, would not play alone. If he could see me, he wanted arms, kisses, breasts. I could do nothing while he was awake and little while he was asleep due to his sheer unpredictability. They won’t watch TV (Oh, I know, bad and all that, but come ON…). They cannot be bribed, or sedated with snacks, and […]

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You

By KJ / Sunday, April 24, 2005

Never underestimate the powers of a girl whose night out in NYC has been cruely ripped from her grasp. I checked in with a friend on the way to the city, and she relayed the bad news: stomach flu had felled our babysitter. I shook my fist and cursed the darkness, then picked up my cell phone and started flipping through names—who would know a babysitter? Karen, friend and sitter extraordinaire, is getting married in two weeks…I tried anyway. She […]

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Just a Few More Steps, and

By KJ / Tuesday, April 26, 2005

I have seen the new food pyramid, and the news is good–apparently, if you run up just a few steps a day, you can eat anything you want at the top of the pyramid! At least, that’s what I heard someone on NPR say. She seemed worried that all of us graphic sign-people would take loan personal brokersloan personal paquotes personal loanpersonal in london loans companiespersonal for loans arkansasloans for women personalpersonal lender loansyork loans new state personal Maploan short […]

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Chronicles of the Sleepless and Damned

By KJ / Friday, April 8, 2005

I just hit Lily’s crib so hard that I think I broke my hand. Really helped. too. I imagine she feels really secure in there right now. I also screamed back at her in rage, hit myself repeatedly in the head with my hand and shook said crib, hard. All in an attempt to get her to just GO TO SLEEP AND STAY ASLEEP DAMNIT. No one heard me and came to my rescue. Probably more significantly, no one came […]

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I Went for a Run Today, and It

By KJ / Thursday, April 7, 2005

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Define "Gossip"

By KJ / Wednesday, April 6, 2005

Really, nothing is better than a little bit of dish. Particularly if that dish makes you feel, oh, just that much better than the person about whom your source is dishing. Maybe, just maybe, you feel like a better mother, or a better wife, or just a better person all around, period. Gives you just that warm glow. For about an hour. Then you’re left with knowledge. Knowledge that, if shared, could make others feel like better mothers, better wives, […]

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At the Bike Races

By KJ / Thursday, March 17, 2005

My house is cleaned, when it is cleaned, by three fabulous women. I believe this is for the best, because it’s not really a job for a single individual, particularly not one who is easily daunted. It is certainly not a job for me. Last week, these women went on vacation. All together, along with the other four women that make up this cleaning company. Packed their bags and headed to Disney. Before they left, Lori (who’s in charge, at […]

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Death, Tact and the Preschooler

By KJ / Friday, March 18, 2005

I only wish I knew what led up to this conversation, but when Sam and his friend joey are playing quietly in another room, we leave them until someone comes out bleeding. Sitting in the dining room, madly frosting cookies for tomorrow’s bake sale, Laura and I hear: “My grandpa died. He died, and my Grandma Layne misses him very much, and she’s sad, and I have to go visit her and keep her company.” “Oh.” It’s hard to convey […]

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The River of Bile

By KJ / Sunday, March 20, 2005

Thinking the reference to bile is figurative, and I intend, perhaps, to rant in some negative way about some subject dear to my heart? Sadly, sadly, you are wrong. The bile is literal. Bile, vomit, barf, chunks, throw-up…I’ve been down with then all for the past 20 hours or so, giving me four hours to go on a supposed 24-hour bug (what, and then I can go out for burgers?) Lifting my head up from my night of convening with […]

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Elegance (Kathleen Tessaro)

By KJ / Friday, March 25, 2005

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The Book of Joe (Jonathan Tropper)

By KJ / Monday, March 28, 2005

But here’s the thing. None of this ever happened. Or maybe it did. I can’t tell anymore. I’ve spent so much time reliving and rewriting those years that I can no longer descern which vignettes are the result of which process. In my reckless anger, I’ve managed to fuck up a vital area of memory to the point where I will never again be able to isolage reality, and so whatever good there might have been has now been lost […]

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The Gift of a Fine Whine

By KJ / Monday, March 28, 2005

Every parent wants her child to be advanced, so you can imagine my surprise and pleasure when I realized that Sam, 3, was clearly whining on a first grade level. His heaving sighs and his weary gasps of “Oooh-Kaay” when required to complete a less than desirable task, like picking up a toy or peeing in the toilet, reminded me irresistibly of the little girl across the street, whose aimless heel kicking and pouting I had long admired. His “but […]

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My Son, the Imaginary Bully

By KJ / Wednesday, March 30, 2005

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Nothing like a Skull & Crossbones Crib Bumper

By KJ / Thursday, March 31, 2005

This might very well have changed my entire nursery decorating scheme. Or maybe not. But who knew the whole cool-baby thing had gone so far? You all know my views on decking babies out in parental political views (or if you don’t, click here). And Babywit.com certainly has enough of those. But I think I’ve found just the right look for Lily. Perfect. country free ringtones India expects to reach 500 million subscribers by end of 2010. ringtones band [citation […]

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Faith, Hope and Envy

By KJ / Friday, April 1, 2005

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Why My Husband Is Lots Better Than Yours

By KJ / Saturday, April 2, 2005

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